Peace.

Peace. This is the word that I hold onto with dear life. The one that my heart has been crying out for repeatedly.  Whether it is the world’s peace or God’s peace I have been trying to hold onto I am not sure, but at this point I am at the end of the rope.

“Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives do I give to you. Let not your hearts be troubled, neither let them be afraid.” John 14:27

I am currently sitting in a bed in Las Vegas struggling to connect to Wi-Fi at 3 in the morning. In about 3 hours and 45ish minutes I am going to have to put my game face on and play the have it together girl. However, at this moment so many things are weighing on my mind that I realized that falling back asleep may not be an option.

If you have been following the lowkey dramatics of my life, that has been so eloquently explained through The Odyssey, you may know one set of stressors in my life, then there are classes, upcoming things, and the beautiful fear of the unknown. However, to be real honest I have allowed myself to hold onto the expectation that I need to be in control of everything in my life. What a weight it is to tell yourself that you must make sure that you follow God’s plan and every breath and decision lines up to His perfect plan. The thing is I don’t know the plan and it is hard to follow it if God only gives it to you in pieces for your own good.

I sometimes see myself as a child whining to God begging Him to let me know how much longer, how much further, and what is next. I have thrown tantrums, cried, complained, and still He reminds me to be wait and present in the moment. Yet, He calmly reminds me that He is in control and everything will happen in His perfect timing. I do not have to worry and I can hold onto peace.

This elusive peace. What even is it? Why am I trying to claim it for myself in 2017? Anytime I see the word I jump around and instantly buy the mug, picture, or item with the word plastered all over it. However, do I even know what it is? Do I know what my heart is truly crying out for?

I like to pretend I know what it is. I mean when things are not going the speed that I think it should or everything is a complete mess and filled with a ton of high emotions. I am quick to say that, “I do not follow a Lord of confusion so I EXPECT TO NOT BE FREAKING THROWN IN CHAOS.” I mean that is slightly true, but I also live in a world filled with fallen people that make everything chaotic and that also includes me and my all over the place personality.

However, God’s peace is not the peace the world offers. God’s peace is one that stays amidst the chaos of the world. God’s peace is the solid rock I stand on while everything around me crumbles. God’s peace is what reminds me that even though my life is filled with unknowns and questions about, “What’s next,” and “What should I do and not do,” I should simply follow. God’s peace is partially obedience and letting go.

There is probably more theological substance to God’s peace. However, to me God’s peace is knowing that at 3:30 am I don’t have to worry about what is next. I don’t have to try and create conversations of clarity. I don’t have to plan the next steps for my life. I don’t have to make everything look perfect or even be perfect. Instead, I can trust that I follow a God that loves me more than anything, and He will work all things for my good, but it will all in turn glorify Him. And at this point all I truly want is to rest in a God that is ready to take on my messy.

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