The fear of starting again.

So, it is pretty easy to fall behind on the things that you do out of enjoyment. I mean with classes, work, and life coming at you some things tend to fall on the wayside. The thing that fell on the wayside for me was this blog.

However, as much as I want to blame busyness to why I haven’t touched this since September, I have come to realize that it is a lot more than just prioritizing it in my schedule.

I mean I have actually tried to publish some posts since September.I will be writing down thoughts, in hopes of conveying a certain message to you, the reader; but I end up deleting everything  and giving up. I get lost within the words unsure on where I should be headed and what the point even was.

That is when I realized that I have been allowing fear to run the show. 2 Peter 1:7 says, “for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control.” You see, fear is not what should have been what was running the show because I am filled with so much more, but before I get ahead of myself let me get back to the realization part.

The realization that I was terrified of trying to convey a message got me digging deeper to what message I was afraid to convey.  Words had always been a friend, but anytime I tried to type something out it always came across as another whiny post filled with complaints about life. Then I realized that I was afraid to actually be vulnerable and share my weakness and inability to get it right, while still conveying the power and love of God.

And even deeper than that I was afraid of how God was going to humble and use this blog to change me. My eyes have been open very recently of how fearful I am of God’s plan for my life. I know with my head (sort of) that whatever God’s plan is, it is far better than what I am trying to work out. However, giving up something that I have been controlling is terrifying. It is scary that what God sees as good may not be what I think of as good. It is terrifying handing over my dreams and desires to God knowing full well that He could toss them and say that they will not come to pass.

I am starting to see that I have been allowing myself to live in fear and miss out on the good unknowns that God is placing in my life. So, it’s time that I don’t allow myself to be, “anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication [asking for something earnestly or humbly] with thanksgiving let my requests be made known to God. And the peace that surpasses all understanding, will guard my heart and my mind in Christ Jesus [emphasis and making it singular added]” (Philippians 4:6-7).

Fear is,  believing that God is NOT in control of what is going to happen next, and I refuse to allow myself to believe that lie. God is in control and he guides in a way that will bring him glory and me joy. However, it is going to be a daily choice, and at times I am going to choose sitting frozen in fear of what comes next versus boldly following God’s path. Yet, God is going to be there every step of the way, and you bet your bottom dollar I will be pretty vulnerable and honest about the journey that is coming.

So, here is to starting again without allowing fear to hold me back.

-Mojade A.





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