Tantrums, Near tears, and a Holy Intervention.

So, junior year has finally rolled around and with it has come my “terrible twos”. I have thrown more tantrums and fits than I did when I was under the age of five (mind you I was a pretty chill child). I have also been close to crying more times than I think is healthy. Why am I sharing this? (Really why, because this is actually one of those things I should probably pretend did not happen.) Well, I have learned that when I take over things get a bit messy and when God tries to take back control or fix things I act like a child.

Well, you see during these past two weeks I have had more spiritual growth than I have in the past two months. I have been able to hand over control to God and just submit. However, I have also been able to grab control back just as quickly.  So, there has been a tug of war of power (caused by me) that has led me to fall flat on my face and lash out in the only way I know how. A tantrum.

I suppose that sounds super dramatic. It kind of was, but most of it was internal. I mean my roommate has witnessed my throw myself onto my bed or the floor and just whine and complain about the mess that I have made. However, the worst part is the way that I have been acting towards God. I have been discontent.

Some may say that is probably not as bad as being twenty years old and throwing yourself on the ground and acting like a child. However, the thing is that with being discontent I may say that I trust God, but what I am actually doing is acting as though I do not trust God. Discontentment is like saying “I don’t like what God has given me.” How can I say anything like that? How can that be what I am believing.

And that is when the tantrums turned into the near tears. I have been telling God that the things that he has blessed me with are not good enough. How blind could I be to not see all that he has given. How can I be so wrapped up in who I am and what I think I need right now? I mean God sees the big picture I am only seeing what is in front of me, and then on top of that I am looking at it with blurry vision. I am allowing myself to believe that God is withholding the good from my life, and that he does not want me to be happy. I mean that is kind of messed up when you think about it.

I strongly believe that God is the good good father and that he only does good by us. At times that good kind of hurts and seems like the worst thing ever. However, when you look back and see what was accomplished and avoided because of his holy interventions you cannot help but know that he is worthy to be praised. You cannot help but praise him because even though, my tears have been my food day and night… [my] hope [is] in God; for I shall again praise him (Psalms 42).

You need to understand that God loves us far more than we can comprehend. What I kept forgetting is that he does not give his heart in pieces.  He loves me more than I can ever comprehend. So, as I listen to Pieces and actually think through all that the song has to say I realize that I can be fully content him. I mean of course I won’t always be a star at living in that way, but Lord knows I am going to try.

So, I am going to try not to throw tantrums. I am not going to allow my stress and thoughts to put me to tears. I am going to be more aware of the fact that God is near me ready to fight for me and protect me through the craziness of life.

Pieces

Unreserved, unrestrained
Your love is wild
Your love is wild for me
It isn’t shy, it’s unashamed
Your love is proud
To be seen with me

You don’t give Your heart in pieces
You don’t hide Yourself to tease us

Uncontrolled, uncontained
Your love is a fire
Burning bright for me
It’s not just a spark
It’s not just a flame
Your love is a light
That all the world will see
All the world will see

You don’t give Your heart in pieces
You don’t hide Yourself to tease us

Your love’s not fractured
It’s not a troubled mind
It isn’t anxious
It’s not the restless kind
Your love’s not passive
It’s never disengaged
It’s always present
It hangs on every word we say
Love keeps its promises
It keep its word
It honors what’s sacred
‘Cause its vows are good
Your love’s not broken
It’s not insecure
Your love’s not selfish
Your love is pure

You don’t give Your heart in pieces
You don’t hide Yourself to tease us

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